I can't remember the last time I had a meal cooked for me. Just an ordinary meal for a bloke, nothing special. And how good would it be if the kitchen was cleaned up as well.
I previously mentioned that my marriage has no sex life.
I found this difficult, really difficult, to handle for some time. Eventually I've come to some sort of acceptance or tolerance of this missing part of life.
I don't like it though. Sometimes I know I kid myself that it doesn't matter; other times it really matters. Like tonight.
Tonight I'd love to be with a woman.
I think my marriage is gone.
I haven't written anything for ages and when I checked this page I'd forgotten about my last post. I've been wanting to write about the state of my marriage if for no other reason than to have a rant, anonymously. It might make good reading for someone but more so, maybe for myself.
In my last post I briefly talked of my wife getting through depression and is a much happier person than when in the grips of darkness. I think that's great for her, but she is not the same. I'm not the same either I guess.
It's not like she is a totally different person, just different. She is probably how she wants to be (whether she knows it or not).
That doesn't do me much good however. We haven't slept in the same room for years, there is no sex life,(again for years), she weighs more than me and if we were single and younger, I would not have been attracted to her in any way other than as a friendly acquaintance.
A healthy sex life, for me, goes hand in hand with a healthy relationship. Our relationship has been battered and altered out of its original shape; the demise of jumping between the sheets was inevitable with or without a weight problem.
If I had the money, I probably would be living elsewhere. Not too far from my kids though, if they chose to be with their mother. They are not little anymore and one left home a couple of years ago.
It's funny, sad, to think how fast the time has gone, and now when things should be getting better, I think they are just getting emptier.
I'm not dead yet, maybe there is more life to come. My wife is about 10 years younger so she has bonus time to find another.
I'll write again very soon, I just need a bit of time without someone looking over my shoulder.