As a Dad I know that for every singular criticism I utter I shall have to back it up with a thousand items of praise. Sadly, I just can't think of much in the way of praise.
His actions or inactions, which affect not only his future but the family's present, drive me absolutely insane. Keeping things in perspective is bloody hard at the moment because it's not like he's committing crimes of century but hell, am I pissed off. I'm staring down the barrel of self implosion; a Mission Impossible self destruct in 10 seconds; I'm trying to think of a Happy place like Happy Gilmour.
Right now I'm thinking as little as possible about him. My wife has a good idea of how I feel and I'm sure it's uncomfortable for her. He doesn't get to her like he does me.
There are things that as a Dad, I know I should say to him, but can't. I cannot talk to him and say the things that need to be said. He won't listen, he wouldn't care and he wouldn't agree even in his quietest moments. I play out little scenes in my mind and then know I'm only kidding myself that it might go something like a movie script. What crap I go on with sometimes. I feel powerless and pissed off, furious, disappointed, amazed, confused, guilty and just plain speechless.
When I talk to him it is through clenched jaws; I don't want anything to slip out. I need a day or two or three and I know this incredible frustration will ease but not go away. In the meantime, I have to put on face so as not to poison the atmosphere for him and the rest of family.
I will probably write some stuff about this son of mine later, but for now I'm just talking about how things get to me as a Dad and a person and all I can say is...............