I haven't blogged for a while. Life has been fairly busy and I haven't had the time, made the time to quietly and secretly post some of my thoughts. In truth, I also haven't been enjoying myself. At the moment, I have hit a new low in being a Dad and haven't felt being on edge like this for some time. To say I feel crappy is an understatement. I'll write without much checking so hopefully not too many mistakes are made.
This bad time (admitting deep down the fear that it's probably been coming for years) is brought about by my son who is 19yrs. We managed to keep him at school till he completed his School Certificate (very good results) and even some of the next year at school. This was in vain as he played up at school, took days off and generally made it so that he would get kicked out of school because he fell so far behind. He lied to us and basically said anything he could to get out of school including saying he wanted to work, do a traineeship etc. He manipulated the situation. He lied as easy as breathing.
He worked a few times over the last couple of years in a few different areas and that got some dollars in his pockets. This never translated to him getting a full time job with financial benefits and independence to boot. He knows how to play the social security system we have in Australia. He is a lazy arse who thinks that he shouldn't have to work at the moment, doesn't want to be like everyone else (the ones who pay tax) and basically is incredibly arrogant and immature in his take on the world despite him thinking the opposite. I find his approach hard to comprehend considering my teenage years and mostly that of others. There was never any real questions asked when I was 17yrs. You just got a job, got your license and got a car. You didn't have to be told this, is just seemed to happen as a natural course of growing up, as normal as being big enough to push the mower like your Dad.
Over the years, and when he was at school, he was in trouble a bit more than 'normal' (not the law although there have been a couple of minor things later on). He seemed to make some poor choices when it came to his friends. He has a temper when things don't go his way and breaks things whether they're his or not then denies he did it. His siblings suffer because of it. He says he doesn't need certain things but borrows from others to avoid having to work and buy those very things he doesn't need but borrows all the time. He has mostly (but not when really little) always been selfish and self centred. He lies even when the truth is in front of him. He will continue to lie despite the whole world knowing the truth. With me he is defensive; even asking him how he is going seems to create suspicion in him. He keeps things to himself, he doesn't let you in; his world is a secret. What's he got to hide apart from the usual teenage crap we all kept from our parents? Bloody hell; we made plenty of mistakes and life was tough when my wife, his mum, was ill for so long; but it's not like we beat him or tortured him for a hobby. What is he afraid of so much that causes him to lie as second nature to talking normally?
A lot of these things in isolation are pretty typical of lots of teenagers; I can relate to some of them easily. But this is a never ending story and the elements are plentiful, not isolated. He said he would never be stupid enough to smoke, now he does; my wife and I (I've suspected for a while) are fairly sure he smokes dope. He is off on a tangent chasing conspiracy theories and religion and says that he is now happy after being unhappy for years.
Outwardly, he seems fine and relaxed. But if I had someone other than my son, saying the things he does about alien conspiracies; I'd be looking over my shoulder for a white van with padding. This reached a crisis point a few days ago and I could no longer sit on my anxiety. I told him as gently as I could that he is scaring his mother and myself. He cannot comprehend this and says there is nothing to worry about; calls me stupid and narrow minded, blind to the obvious, ignorant etc etc. He seems to be the perfect candidate for a cult and I guess I could be sounding paranoid myself; but we really are having huge problems getting a handle on his behaviour. I worry that this could trigger depression again for my wife. I worry that I can continue to front up after many hard years already.
My wife does speak with our eldest but doesn't usually go for hard stuff. I'm not sure our (planned/unplanned) good parent, bad parent routine is the way to go but if he gets totally pissed off with me then he will at least talk with his Mum a bit. Putting aside our obvious failures as parents (that's what parents do don't they; blame themselves?) I, we, think he has some emotional problems and have got to try to figure out where to go from here. How do you get someone, who thinks there is nothing wrong, to go to a doctor? I'll probably go, I think I'm becoming a wreck.
I've started looking seriously at www.beyondblue.org.au ( an Australian site on Depression and other mental illness) which has a section dedicated to teenagers and young people; I'm looking for some indicators. So far no good; or is that good? We don't know what to do. Perhaps there is nothing wrong and it will all blow over; I don't think so. I think our son is walking a knife-edge at the moment and his future is a huge question mark. Will he settle or will he end in jail? I never thought I would consider or write such a thought, but that's how I feel. Hope I'm bloody wrong. I also hope he never finds this blog; if you do son; all I can say is; we want you happy, you are our son; we'll try to do whatever it takes. You are loved. Try to understand.
At the moment, I absolutely hate being a father. I know being a parent is supposed to be like a rollercoaster ride (that's what the grandmother in the Steve Martin movie said anyway) but given our past 10yrs or so, I'm still waiting for the friggin ride to go up.
This bad time (admitting deep down the fear that it's probably been coming for years) is brought about by my son who is 19yrs. We managed to keep him at school till he completed his School Certificate (very good results) and even some of the next year at school. This was in vain as he played up at school, took days off and generally made it so that he would get kicked out of school because he fell so far behind. He lied to us and basically said anything he could to get out of school including saying he wanted to work, do a traineeship etc. He manipulated the situation. He lied as easy as breathing.
He worked a few times over the last couple of years in a few different areas and that got some dollars in his pockets. This never translated to him getting a full time job with financial benefits and independence to boot. He knows how to play the social security system we have in Australia. He is a lazy arse who thinks that he shouldn't have to work at the moment, doesn't want to be like everyone else (the ones who pay tax) and basically is incredibly arrogant and immature in his take on the world despite him thinking the opposite. I find his approach hard to comprehend considering my teenage years and mostly that of others. There was never any real questions asked when I was 17yrs. You just got a job, got your license and got a car. You didn't have to be told this, is just seemed to happen as a natural course of growing up, as normal as being big enough to push the mower like your Dad.
Over the years, and when he was at school, he was in trouble a bit more than 'normal' (not the law although there have been a couple of minor things later on). He seemed to make some poor choices when it came to his friends. He has a temper when things don't go his way and breaks things whether they're his or not then denies he did it. His siblings suffer because of it. He says he doesn't need certain things but borrows from others to avoid having to work and buy those very things he doesn't need but borrows all the time. He has mostly (but not when really little) always been selfish and self centred. He lies even when the truth is in front of him. He will continue to lie despite the whole world knowing the truth. With me he is defensive; even asking him how he is going seems to create suspicion in him. He keeps things to himself, he doesn't let you in; his world is a secret. What's he got to hide apart from the usual teenage crap we all kept from our parents? Bloody hell; we made plenty of mistakes and life was tough when my wife, his mum, was ill for so long; but it's not like we beat him or tortured him for a hobby. What is he afraid of so much that causes him to lie as second nature to talking normally?
A lot of these things in isolation are pretty typical of lots of teenagers; I can relate to some of them easily. But this is a never ending story and the elements are plentiful, not isolated. He said he would never be stupid enough to smoke, now he does; my wife and I (I've suspected for a while) are fairly sure he smokes dope. He is off on a tangent chasing conspiracy theories and religion and says that he is now happy after being unhappy for years.
Outwardly, he seems fine and relaxed. But if I had someone other than my son, saying the things he does about alien conspiracies; I'd be looking over my shoulder for a white van with padding. This reached a crisis point a few days ago and I could no longer sit on my anxiety. I told him as gently as I could that he is scaring his mother and myself. He cannot comprehend this and says there is nothing to worry about; calls me stupid and narrow minded, blind to the obvious, ignorant etc etc. He seems to be the perfect candidate for a cult and I guess I could be sounding paranoid myself; but we really are having huge problems getting a handle on his behaviour. I worry that this could trigger depression again for my wife. I worry that I can continue to front up after many hard years already.
My wife does speak with our eldest but doesn't usually go for hard stuff. I'm not sure our (planned/unplanned) good parent, bad parent routine is the way to go but if he gets totally pissed off with me then he will at least talk with his Mum a bit. Putting aside our obvious failures as parents (that's what parents do don't they; blame themselves?) I, we, think he has some emotional problems and have got to try to figure out where to go from here. How do you get someone, who thinks there is nothing wrong, to go to a doctor? I'll probably go, I think I'm becoming a wreck.
I've started looking seriously at www.beyondblue.org.au ( an Australian site on Depression and other mental illness) which has a section dedicated to teenagers and young people; I'm looking for some indicators. So far no good; or is that good? We don't know what to do. Perhaps there is nothing wrong and it will all blow over; I don't think so. I think our son is walking a knife-edge at the moment and his future is a huge question mark. Will he settle or will he end in jail? I never thought I would consider or write such a thought, but that's how I feel. Hope I'm bloody wrong. I also hope he never finds this blog; if you do son; all I can say is; we want you happy, you are our son; we'll try to do whatever it takes. You are loved. Try to understand.
At the moment, I absolutely hate being a father. I know being a parent is supposed to be like a rollercoaster ride (that's what the grandmother in the Steve Martin movie said anyway) but given our past 10yrs or so, I'm still waiting for the friggin ride to go up.