I needed to try something, anything, to see if some common sense would get through on a seemingly casual basis; I am his Dad after all and I see him heading for nothing but misery and the family suffering as well. I just can't let him fall without an attempt to stop him; I'm a Dad and like to fix things.
As he stood in the garage and told me of how the system sucks, of conspiracies, of how the Bible okays it to smoke dope, of how 'the Government' gets enough money from him for fares (and doesn't pay them anymore), I tried, casually yet non-indulgently as I could, to show reason and alternatives to his immature, confused and defiant thinking and actions.
As he started to swear and become confused I found my mouth quickly drying up to the point where I had trouble talking. I had to ask him to wait while I drank from the outside tap to help my tongue move again.
Shortly after this, his 'new best friends' arrived and he was off. I think he dismissed me from his mind as he walked down the driveway.
I was shaken for the next two days. I went walking later that day to try to lose the numbness in my head. I'm not being dramatic, I was kind of on auto pilot. The conversation which sent my mouth dry, I had to acknowledge to myself, scared the crap out me. I realise that something has short circuited in his head. Emotionally and helped along by dope (and scarier still) perhaps other drugs, he is very screwed up. Something has happened from a few months ago and his behaviour is almost totally different.
I have reached a kind of settlement within myself as to how to deal with his illness; because he does have a mental illness, of that I'm fairly sure. By settlement, I mean acceptance of his illness; an acceptance that I can't fix it and some sort of course has to run before things might improve. It took a bit to get to this point but when I did I realised that this was how it had to be and how it should have been when my wife suffered depression.
To be any good for my son, wife and two other kids I have to stay above the misery that this situation inflicts; it's so hard when you continually think and worry about something such as this. I'm going to try and stay as happy as I can for myself as well. So far, since the dry mouth conversation, I have not submitted to misery.
The two previous posts have been copied from the A Dad in the Raw tab. They were written in September '11 and Oct'11 respectively (before this separate page was created) and came before the dry mouth conversation.